Learning to Reframe: Annoyance

What can be positive in the annoyances that follow you around? There are a lot of them right now...because we are wearing thin on a lot of our usual coping mechanisms, being made to stay in, stay home, stay away, be patient, play nice, follow the rules. This is a time when petty small things can suddenly become the last straw. But that, in a way, is the positive spin in the way to look at them.

Annoyances are not travesties. Annoyance is a small price to pay for the fact that this the worst-case scenario your brain can put you through at the moment.

Not having rent is a full-on stress event, and cause for anxiety. Not having a job is extremely frightening, particularly at this time.

On the other hand, your mother-in-law babbling on and on every time she gets you on the phone is small potatoes, comparatively. Particularly if she lives alone and you are the only contact she has right now. So: yes, she may call every day...but she has her health, and so do you, and keeping up that relationship with your MIL for your spouse and your kids is a memory they will look back on and treasure. A small cost -- comparatively.

The key to look for in a lot of everyday annoyances is this: could it be less challenging with a little planning and prep.
For instance, if you set a standing phone date with the family and your mother-in-law: You get more control of the time it takes place (maybe not during game night, or the middle of dinner). You can have more control of the location (Zoom from the breakfast nook or back bedroom). You can team up on an agreed task (Skype with the kids in the kitchen and have a Gran-cook-a-long or pick a movie and FaceTime while watching it together).
A little planning ahead can give you a lot more control.

Absolutely hate when that one coworker always turns up late to meetings, leaving you dead-air on Zoom, getting more annoyed by the minute? Make a habit of sending a reminder 5 minutes before your meeting times. This will give them the option to bing back when they are running late, giving you a real-time expectation of when the meeting will actually start. Use those extra moments to fit in another task, answer another email, get another cup of coffee...or just stretch a bit. You’ll be surprised how preparing in this way can really take the sting of annoyance out of an irritant that festers and grows over time. While they keep scrambling to get there, you can sit back, sip your latte, and get in a few Instagrams while you wait.

Have an acquaintance who just insists on being inappropriate? Do they seem to find you in any crowd and nail you with comments or questions you really wish they wouldn’t? Does knowing they are going to be there control what parties you go to, which friends you hang around with, or whether you stay on your kid’s PTA or keep coaching their soccer team? This annoying person obviously just doesn't get the hint...and your fear of them “making a scene,” or your wanting to avoid conflict at all cost, isn’t helping you either. The point is -- this person needs boundaries.

Know when you are supposed to see them next? Good! Plan ahead. Literally sit down with a piece of paper and write out a probable scenario. You know this person well enough by now to draw a pretty decent outline. Now: once you hit a moment of their hypothetical annoyance or irritation, that is where their warning comes. Set your boundary. Plan what you will say before you are in a position with all eyes on you. Confront their inappropriate behavior, set your boundary, and move on. What are you willing for that to be? Leave the room? Leave the party? Leave the PTA? State it. And be prepared to follow through with the result when a boundary of warning has been crossed. You may need to be strict. You may have to be the not-so-fun-guy in the conversation. But it is far more likely that you are speaking words that others only wish they had the nerve to. By setting a boundary and sticking to it, you are actually doing a service to others that this annoying person also continues to bully, push around, manipulate, and infringe on.

What do these examples have in common? Planning! It is looking at your circle of concern (and what is in your power within that circle), and placing all your effort there.

Instead of being the victim of frustrations and irritations (especially when facing something which has come to be habitual), you absolutely have the power to set a course of action in how you plan on dealing with it. Ahead of time.

Use that power to prepare or organize, to set boundaries and expectations, to realize your own power in the situation at hand. Let your known annoyances train you to be more prepared, and use the power you have to sap those laundry lists of irritants.