Resilience Part 6: Emotional Regulation
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor Frankl
I live in a fantastic 1930’s old brick building walk-up, with 1000% character and charm and 2% of the necessary outlets to keep all the electrical thing-a-ma-gees going that need “going” in this 2021 world. Especially when, as of a year ago, it has also been serving as the full-time office/restaurant/movie theatre/sports arena/art space for the two people who live here.
After about the 3rd time blowing a kitchen fuse while using the microwave, heating water for tea, and punching the button on the Keurig during a “coffee break,” it was decided that surge protectors were going to be a necessity. Pretty much everywhere.
This is roughly what we are talking about when discussing Emotional Regulation.
You cannot run five systems of power through limited outlet streams without popping a fuse. Do it enough, and you will damage the systems. Ignore that, and do it some more, and you will burn the place down. In this scenario, we are all a 1930’s apartment trying to live in and operate to the standards of a 2021 world...and we just can’t. Not fully. Not without limits. Not without complete burnout.
Just accept that. We did.
Guess what...you can brew a cup of coffee first, THEN heat the tea water. You can dry your hair in the hall while the flatiron heats up in the bathroom. Not that it isn’t a little inconvenient at times, but it is certainly not incapacitating...and it is much less frustrating than running to the fuse box every hour.
Modulation and Regulation...you hear these words when people are trying to “limit” things...and it’s not like we haven’t been limited enough lately. But these moments or beats of taking turns, of pausing a step, allows a space that can make a world of difference.
Whether we are talking anger management, the volume of intake control, or inside/outside voice modulation...these pauses can make or break an experience, relationship, or career. We are told to “count to ten” before speaking when we are angry, to allow a moment for reason to counter and weigh in with the reality of a situation vs. the immediate gut-response rage. They say that eating slowly allows the body time to register your intake, so better judge an appropriate amount of food needed to satiate vs. binging until you feel you could burst. Sipping two or three drinks over a few hours distributes the alcohol intake far better than slamming all in a row.
These are all ways and forms of regulating, not just physically but emotionally. Utilizing the space between stimulus and response puts us back in the driver’s seat of reason, allowing us to conserve our precious emotional resources for better use. A pause to reflect, to adjust, to regain your footing, to take stock of the situation, to hear the other side, to consider another option.
No, this apartment isn’t the most modern or efficient, but it’s character, context, history, and charm is totally worth an occasional inconvenience of practicing patience in a “gotta-have-it-now” world.
Most things worth having are worth waiting for.